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Dear daughters of mine,
If you wake up at night to the sound of me whispering in
your ear, I promise I’m not trying to be creepy. I’m just trying to instill all
the wisdom I can into your psyche before you move out and take on the world
without me.
And while I know you don’t have to agree with me, I’d at least like you to know where I stand
on some subjects that matter. Since you started your schooling with a
pre-school version of the ABCs, I offer you a grown-up version that will keep
you on track for living life with a whole heart.
A is for Awesome: The universe has an infinite
supply of awesome. Don’t feel threatened by other people’s success. Use theirs
as inspiration to go after your own.
B is for Boys: Thank the ones who display their
badness with an EBBAS (Early Bad-Boy Alert System), in the form of bling and
saggy pants. They’re warning you that they are trouble, so don’t be surprised that
they would treat you badly.
And, by the way, even the good ones will break your heart. The
movie “He’s Just Not that into You” is right on. If a guy really likes you, he
will find time to see you. If he’s clearly not feeling it, move on and find
someone who is.
C is for Choose Happiness: Having fun at an event
doesn’t just happen upon you. Your attitude and actions are what determine if
you have a fun time or not. And it’s not just parties—life itself will serve
you challenge after challenge. It’s up to you to decide if you’re going to be
an Eeyore or a Tigger about them.
D is for Darkness: Physical darkness affects
your mood. Open the blinds and open your window. The light and fresh air will
lift your spirits. For the record, you know how it sometimes smells funky when
you walk into someone else’s house? Well, yours smells the same way to them. Air
it out.
Figurative darkness works the same way. If you fill your
head with movies, TV shows, and books filled with crime and despair, you’re
bound to feel sad and anxious. Choose light whenever you can.
E is for Exercise: Your blood needs to
circulate. Endorphins need released. Don’t just do it when you feel fat—make it
a regular part of your life. It’s too easy to sit and rot. Move.
F is for Friends: Always, always make time for
your girlfriends. They will understand you in a way that no family member or
boyfriend ever could. Yes, they will sometimes piss you off, but remember that
it works both ways. It’s a lot easier to be forgiving toward them when you stop
to realize that you’re not always a sweet Georgia peach to be around either.
Love these friends and let them love you back, flaws and all.
G is for Gratitude: End each day with thoughts
of appreciation for the people in your life and whatever comforts you enjoy.
It’s impossible to be happy if you focus more on what’s missing from your life than
what’s already there.
H is for Honor: Honor other people’s time by
being on time. Honor their strengths by noticing them and articulating them.
Your life will be so much richer if you can bring people up by noticing them
and their talents. We can all use a “feel good” moment, and it will make you glad
to be known as someone who notices and appreciates the accomplishments of
others. While you’re at it, honor their lives by making choices that won’t harm
them: Slow down. Getting somewhere five minutes faster isn’t worth the risk of hurting
yourself or others.
I is for Integrity: Integrity means that the way
you walk lines up with the way you talk. Nobody respects a hypocrite, so do
what you say and say what you do.
J is for Jesus or Not Jesus: Believe in someone or something that makes you
want to do better and be better, and accept that every outcome isn’t within
your control.
K is for Knowledge: Focus on knowing things and
being curious instead of worrying about getting good grades. Any smarts you
have will be proven in your interactions with people, not on a transcript archived
in an electronic file somewhere.
L is for Looks: Be kind to yourself, knowing
that perfect doesn’t even exist. No one looks like an airbrushed version of a
super model (even that super model), which means we all have physical features
that we should highlight, and others we should downplay. This means that just
because a trend calls for micro shorts, it doesn’t mean that you’re doing
yourself a favor to wear that style.
M is for Mean People: People who are mean to you
are saying way more about themselves than they are about you. Hurt people hurt
people—it’s as simple as that. They can’t help themselves. But you can help
yourself by limiting the time you spend with these toxic people.
N is for Never: Never
expect someone to be there for you when you are stressed or hurting if you’ve
never been there for them. It’s okay to be the one to start the cycle.
O is for Own It: Part of maturing is being able
to see your role in any arguments you get into. Whether it was your hormones,
exhaustion, or hunger that were the accelerant that took your angry spark to a
five-alarm blaze… make sure you go back to your friend, family member, or partner
and own it. Apologizing when you’ve done wrong is a sign of strength, not
weakness.
P is for Present, as in Fully Present: In this
age of constant texting and social media, giving someone your real-time presence
and focus is the ultimate connection. When you gather with people, put your
phone away and prove to them that they matter by giving them your full
attention.
Q is for Quiet: It’s important to shut up when
you don’t really know what you’re talking about. We’ve all been around the annoying
person who spouts off like they’re the expert about something they know little
or nothing about. Ick. And while it’s fun to be the kind of person who makes
easy conversation, it’s just as important to stay quiet so you can really
listen to the people you’re with. Your likeability index goes up tenfold when
you express genuine interest in the people you’re with.
R is for Respect Your Elders: While it’s
tempting to say that people older than you just don’t get it, realize this: A
person learns at least one new thing every day, whether it be book learning or
people learning. If someone has been alive 30 years longer than you, this means
they have some 10,000 nuggets of knowledge more than you do. Respect this.
Really listen to their advice and then make a deliberate choice whether to
follow it or not.
S is for Self and Surroundings: When you look
frumpy, you feel frumpy. Always take the time to put a little effort in your
appearance. The same is true for your nutrition: Eat like crap, feel like crap.
It’s a lot easier to control the amount of fat, sodium, and those delightful
but diabolical carbs when you cook your own food. If you can read, you can
cook. So find healthy recipes and follow the directions.
If your physical surroundings are a mess, your mind will be
too. Time yourself doing chores you hate and you will see how small of a time
commitment they really are. The day I realized I could empty the dishwasher in
the time of a TV commercial break was liberating. Why waste any energy dreading
a task you can complete in 2.2 minutes.
T is for Tone: Your mood can completely change
the intended tone of a text you read. If you really care about someone, make
sure you talk with them at least by phone, if not face to face, to hear their
intended tone. If you can’t do that, try reading the text out loud in a
cheerful voice before you assume they are giving you attitude.
U is for Being Utterly Festive: Life can be hard
and just plain boring. This is why it’s so important to celebrate any event you
can. Some will argue that holidays were invented so that Hallmark can make more
money. I say poppycock. We’re all busy with day-to-day living and it’s never a
bad idea to stop and be more fun and silly than you otherwise would by putting
up a few decorations, making a special dessert, or telling someone how much
they mean to you.
V is for Values: It’s so important to spend time
thinking about what you believe in and who you want to be because situations
can change in a blink of an eye. You will make better ethical decisions on the
fly if you define, in advance, the person you are (or want to be). What do you
stand for?
W is for Worthiness: Nothing is more attractive
than people who believe they are worthy of your love and friendship. Never
confuse this with arrogance. Anyone who believes they are better than someone
else ought to be escorted out of your life by security. Also, our worthiness
doesn’t mean that we don’t have habits we can improve upon—it just means we are
inherently “enough” as we are. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, don’t
take it to mean that there’s anything wrong with you—just with this particular pairing
of people.
X is for Ex-Out Reliance on Drugs and Alcohol: You
already know people who’ve ruined their lives with drugs and thrown away any
hope for a successful and happy future, so I will focus on the one drug that’s
legal: alcohol. One cocktail is enough. Any more and you will say and do things
you regret, which includes fast food and fast boys. If you are comfortable in
your own skin, you don’t need to put on an alcohol disguise to be able to
connect with other people and have fun.
Y is for WHY Waste Your Time Feeling Jealous of Other Girls: Anyone who wants to be with you is with you for a
reason. Don’t waste your time and energy feeling threatened that they will
cheat with other girls. If they do, you will eventually find out. So just enjoy
the person, and know that you are
worthy of loyalty. If they aren’t interested in a loving and trusting
relationship with you, let them go. As a side bonus, people who are confident
enough to shelve jealous thoughts and behavior are the sexiest people you’ll
ever meet.
Z is for Keep It Zipped: One-night stands offer
you nothing. You’re sharing your biology and sense of self worth with someone
who doesn’t know anything about you. There is no chance of turning it into a
relationship since you’ve done the most intimate acts with someone who doesn’t
know anything about you. Where do you possibly go from there? Other than to a
doctor to deal with an unwanted pregnancy or an STD. So keep your pants on and
wait for an invitation for a real first date. And then at least 99 more.
(Sorry, I am your mom after all.)
It took me more than 45 years to accumulate this wisdom. I
know you’ll have to make mistakes – just like I did – to learn life’s lessons
on your own. I’m just hoping that my whispers echo through your mind when you
experience these moments for yourself so that you’ll learn your lessons the
first time they feel real to you. If you learn them early enough, you’ll
continue living your life with a whole heart.
Love,
Mom
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